Against Me

Why is it that when something bad happens,it will come one after another.I had a lot going against me,but i had enough going for me.The only thing i can tell myself is it's okay to be a little fucked up and everything will be okay in the end.What else.

A Shot To Kill The Pain.

You cry so much you start to have an anxiety attack and you're gasping for air but you can't seem to calm down and end up puking from the sick to your stomach feeling you get when you replay every word said to you.i thought it was a dream,i thought it wasn't real,but the pain really hurts and it's really how i feel.

11months.i never would have imagined that that would come out of your mouth.i don't know whether you really mean it or not.If i was really as hard hearted like you said,i would've felt nothing.But why do i feel that way.You made me want so much to be alone.i feel that people should always note what they're saying because words can kill.You made me feel so bad about myself.If you're really that mindful about my past you should've told me right from the start.You may not mean what you said,but the fact is you said it without any hesitation.You sound as if i'm doing those things when i'm in the middle of a relationship with you,but i did not.i have made that mistake sometimes and i feel so bad because i can't take back what i've said.i can only apologise and hope that the person will be okay.That was the first time you said that,and it kept on replaying itself.There and then,why don't you realised what you meant as a joke could hurt someone's feeling so bad.Even if you did not do it intentionally,the hurt is already inflicted,no amount of explanations will work.There's a difference between constructive criticism and downright slagging people off.The words won't go away,it may be forgiven but never forgotten.My mind went blank the minute you said that,you may think i should not react so strongly to it.You may think it's a small matter.But to me,i've always thought you are someone who wouldn't hurt me no matter what.i know it's common for someone to say something wrongly but i didn't expect this much hurt just the first time you do that.A relationship shouldn't be like this,no matter what your past is,i wouldn't say that.I am really disappointed.It seems as if the whole 11months is a joke,the things you did for me,the things i did for you,it all seems like nothing.i will be okay i know,but the feeling won't go away.Some time alone will do.Instead of asking me to be understanding,why don't you do some soul searching.Thing became this way because of what you said,don't try to make me the bad guy again.i'm sick and tired already.Breaking up because of this,no,but the pain will be there.
                                                           

Stripped Down and Simple.

Had a heated argument with boy.Sat down and think about it,was the whole thing my fault?am i being way too harsh with my words?did i really hurt him?i don't know.I love you,maybe that's what makes it so complicated.Have you realised that when it comes to other people's relationship,you can give good advices like it was your forte,but when it comes to your own,your mind just turn blank.i know i do have a temper,i hate flying off the handle and cussing people out,but honestly,some people only know one way of interacting with me,it drives me nuts that i'm so bad at controlling it.It's times like this i want to lie in my bed and just not talk to anyone.i've been rather snappy,maybe it's because of all the frustrations i have inside.i know i'm letting my emotions get the best of me.It's a norm for couples to quarrel i know,but whenever it happens to me uh oh uh oh.When you're younger,all you want to find in a guy was his looks,agree?To show off.But as i get older i realised the change,i wanted something else,a sense of security and reliability.My post is not about what important quality a man should have so i won't elaborate more.i've came to realised that getting into a relationship is not about his bank balance,or whether he has a bright future ahead as long as he's down to earth and not the kind to laze around,things will eventually worked out.i do not need a chauffeur,atm machine or someone to wait on me,cause there are some things you have to prove that you can do on your own,i don't want to depend totally on someone.He don't have to dressed up everyday for our date unless there's a need to,He don't have to bring me to posh restaurants,i prefer home cooked meals on special occasions.He don't have to hold my bag for me,just hold my hand instead.No car?we'll take the train.Anniversary?if we're too lazy to head out just stay home to cuddle and watch downloaded movies on the laptop with instant noodles.That's what i want,no dramas,no acts,no showing off,just you and me.The best love is the one that makes you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself.When i'm in a relationship with a guy,it's not with him,but with his parents too.My boyfriend will notice this,and i'll grow to love them as if they were my parents cause while being over at his house,they would treat me like i was their daughter and part of the family.They would sit down and talk with me,give me hugs,cook for me,making me feel so welcome and accepted and i'll feel so happy about that.Being loved by my boyfriend's family is such a nice feeling,so if i were to break up with my boyfriend i would be breaking up with his parents too,and that would break my heart even more because i won't be able to see them like i used to.Of course it'll be nice if my boyfriend loves my parents like his own.I just want a stripped down and simple relationship.

Too much to ask for?Huh.

Ditch Your Baggage

I trust my boyfriend.So far,he's been great.He's never cheated on me or talk to other girls after we got together,even if he does he would explain himself.i know he'll always be here when i need him and he never fails to.He would talk about the future,so i guess this guy is serious about this thing.You see,sometimes,something has to come and disrupt it.i happened to see my boy's past blog and of course he'll blog about his ex-girlfy,i realised he used to say the completely same things to her that he now says to me.Ok,this guy is totally trustworthy but after seeing this,or should i say any girls who see this would get the feeling that he's trying to mould her into what he had with his past girl.On the other hand what else can a guy say?Their lines are always that few.'i miss you so much''Don't leave me i can't live without you''i must think before i say cause i'm afraid of making you angry''i'm afraid to lose you''you are really important to me' etc.I know my boyfriend would see this.i understand that all of these is in the past,but it still feels a little uneasy and insecure in the inside.i try not to think too much,although i did the first time i chanced upon his blog,i bring it up in boyfriend's face and we talked it out,he forgot about his password thou,it was two years ago,and i can't blame him for that,cause if i did,it would seem like i'm a petty and narrow minded girlfriend which i do not want to turn out to be.Everyone wants an honest,no mind games relationship,if only it was as easy as being said.Many guys would not bring up the subject of a break up even if he wants to nowadays,they would do things to make the girl take the initiative,and make it seems like the girl is the bad guy.Never underestimate a man's ability to make you feel guilty for his mistakes-Rihanna.My boyfriend knows very well i want him to be honest with me,i once told him 'if one day you find that you have no feelings for me any longer,tell me immediately' cause i'm not a person who likes to beat around the bush and waste time.He assured that he's also a person who makes clear of his feelings,so i'm quite happy about that.i hope when baby sees this he wouldn't misunderstand.i just wanted to share this because i'm sure there'll be other couples out there having this issue right now.
Note to baby:Hun,i still trust that you're serious about us and i love you. 

When shit like this happens,this is the time to clear out the emotional clutter that holds us back in relationships.Whether or not you've dated a long line of losers,been cheated on or just suffered a run of bad luck in the relationship,it can be hard to leave the problems in the past where they belong,it's important to deal with it,cause it can play out again and again in your head.To deny it just perpetuates it.Although i haven't yet been cheated on,i know it's a fucked up thing,everyone does la actually.*oh god wei semo i feel like a bitch when i type this*If you really intend to accept a new guy into your life,you got to deal with it,bringing your mistrust from a previous partner to a new relationship is not being fair to your new partner.You won't fully invest in a relationship because you don't feel it's safe to be vulnerable.Open up baby,risk it.Who knows it might be a blessing in disguise?Again,If you meet a bastard who hurts you,he's not worth your time,and tears.Move on.Be honest about your feelings and don't dwell on your stressful feelings in silence,it'll be more constructive to share your worries and fears with your partner.Focus on the present,i'm still learning.

Chill parents

@3AM.

Me: Daddy i want to go downstairs to get something from 7-11

Dad: You're going to get raped by some psychotic pervert if you go down.

Mum: You're meeting bad company,but i trust you know what to do.

If you're a girl you most probably would experience this,but lucky for me,my mum is fine and she's more of a open minded woman.She shows that she cares by nagging at me,and sad to say,i really cannot tolerate people who go on non stop,you can but please,there's a limit.i would really love it if i had parents who would let me go out without having to ask a million questions about who's going to be with me and what are we going to do,or they would let me go out any time of the night without worrying about me doing anything bad or getting into trouble.Everyone wants chill parents,not chill to the extent that they don't care at all,but the type to know their limits.Like,they'll let my guy friends come over and trust me to come home late.The type to act like best friends and know when to care and loosen up.you know?i can't seem to understand my dad,sometimes he can be so understanding,and the next moment he'll show the 'i'm not in the best of mood now don't provoke me' face.i need to master the art of observing my dad's expression and the way he talks,especially if i need his consent on something.He's just too unpredictable.i came to realise that every parents gave their children what they think is good for their kids but never take the time out to ask what we really need and want.It's a one sided thing,i hate that.when we have different point of views which lead to an argument,they would say 'i gave you everything you want,what more can you ask for.'Really?did you really gave me what i ask for.No.Parents themselves don't even realise this point,their mindset is you're my child,i won't do anything to harm you,everything i think is best for you would be the best,so you just got to suck it up and do what i say.the dumbest thing a parent can say is 'this isn't how i raised you',i wish i could tell them yes it really is,you literally raised me and here i am.i know my parents love me,you may think that i'm ranting about all this because i'm really upset with them,but no.i love them,i really do.i'm just stating out what parents have neglected.No wonder there's a saying,a lot of parents will do anything for their kids except let them be themselves.Another thing would be over protective parents,they raised the best liars.When parents are over protective,they would prevent their kids from doing this and that,and coincidentally that particular thing is what we want to do,we'll do it no matter what,it's not something bad anyway,so it'll lead us to tell lies and as the days goes on,you'll find that you need another lie to cover up the previous lie.Conservative parents=rebellious children,i don't have to elaborate this.i know it's hard to be a parent nowadays,like what my parents say.But if both parties can give in a little,it'll be so much easier for us.Lastly,i know whatever they do is out of concern and love,so i'll still love them.
i can still go on and on but i can't afford the time,so bye.

Temptation Calls

Which girl wouldn't be tempted to do plastic surgery after watching such a vast transformation?Unless you're like a super model with the perfect features and flawless figure.Though i still object to going under the knife myself,i can't promise my views will stay the same,because it's getting more and more common among the girls now,especially asians.Everyone is dying to achieve the v-shape face,larger eyes,higher nose bridge and sharper nose tip.For me,i'm going gaga over dermal fillers,after watching a video from a local blogger.Of course,i did my homework,i went to find out if there was downtime/side effects,the best reviewed clinic to go and the best person to do the job.i found out that there was no downtime,you can resume your lives as per normal immediately,it's a 15-30mins procedure,it can lasts for a year or so(if you like it you can go for it again)and the best thing is,instant results.It is also reversible,if you don't like how you look like after fillers,a simple injection of a enzyme can quickly dissolve the fillers in a few mins.The most popular places that are being injected now is the cheek,chin,nose and lip.Botox are also quite a hit.i called prive clinic and they told me their customers ranges from 20 onwards.i think it's fucking perfect for me because if i went for rhinoplasty i have to live with it for the rest of my life,i know i can re-do if i want to but i don't have that kind of money,and it takes a good 6month to heal.what if i don't like the results?See my pattern,i will stay home and curse all day.My boyfriend is totally against it,he thinks natural is best and he don't want his girlfriend to look fake so that when people say your girlfriend is pretty,he can be really proud.What he says is true,even if you go through plastic surgery and look perfect,even if everyone says you look gorgeous,can you really be happy in the inside knowing that you're plastic?i guess no.Even if no one knows you've undergone ps,you know it best.Can't get past that psychological barrier.But well,even if you're okay/good looking already,you still want to look better,girls will understand this,so i think that fillers are okay hor,try try ma.If only it was as easy as snapping my fingers.Coming back to reality,you really got to do some serious thinking and evaluate why you want cosmetic surgery.There's a medical condition called Body Dismorphic Disorder.That person would constantly think that they need to improve on their physical appearance,and they'll keep coming back for more surgeries,which proves to be rarely successful because they will never be happy with these changes.I hope i won't turn out like this,period.When i brought this up to mum,she did not object.All she said was,whatever you want to do,earn the money first.So,i took it as a yes.I can't make a decision yet because my love objected,i shall convinced him!
❤ Note to all: Too much of a good thing can make you look like a completely different person,cosmetic surgery is a major decision,especially those that require you to go under the knife,think first.Remember to get your parents consent,after all they are the one that made you.

Mind Your Own Business

You know what?i'm done.

Your nose is missing cause it's in my business.Everyone knows how annoying it is.It has absolutely nothing to do with them,and then they just came to make up for the numbers as if it's not enough.You don't know anything and it certainly doesn't concern you.Chill out and worry about your own problems instead.i'm not saying i'm smart but if i need an opinion i'll ask for it.I know some of you don't want to see me screw up but if i do,then i'll suffer the consequences on my own.I honestly need people to stop telling me what to do.i've never told anyone what they need to do,unless they ask for an opinion,other than that i keep my mouth shut.Unless you've made the mistake multiple times then i'll remind you about what happened the last time and that is that.Who are you to point out my problems,when you already have problems on your own?i rather you come asking me whether i'm okay instead of creating an elaborate lists of possible scenarios that may be making me unhappy.Jumping to these wild conclusions about the problem i'm having really is just showing me that you do not care about the problem but just being curious.It's a huge difference.If you really cared about the problem you would have approached me directly and try to help me to solve it in some way.If a person is curious about it,they would speak about it with other people and endlessly hypothesise until they draw to some sort of obscure conclusion(often the root of rumours)and are often more problematic to the original case.So if you want to know i'm okay all you have to do is ask me,if you are just curious,you can forget about it and perhaps go focus on the moral issues that you obviously possess.This is my life,not yours.If you want to find out something about me,come up and ask me in my face.Who could be more clear about every single thing about me than me?Still the bottom line is,before you try to correct someone,correct yourself first.What i post on the social network has got nothing to do with you,i publish whatever the fuck i please.Seriously,the fucking nerve of some people and their stupid ass assumptions.i swear i'm not an interesting person,there should be no reason why my name should come out of your mouth.i find people who try to meddle in my love life irritating,go fuck yourself cause i choose who i want to be with.Ok jeraldine,your over-sarcasm and bluntness is making you seem like a bitch ok stop.

Next time before you poke your nose into someone else's affair,ask yourself;

                            1.How does what she/he do affect me?

                            2.Will i get anything out of this curiosity?

If your answer for question one is no,it wouldn't affect me in any way,that's when you know you should back the fuck off.Okbye 

Say No With The Double O

'Je,do you want to club tonight?NOO.I've decided to stop going to club for awhile,because i'm going to start working and earn some money first,which is more practical.I know there's no conflict with going to work and visiting the club at night,but,i presume i would be super tired and restless after work to even step inside,much less on the dance floor.i know my boy would be happy to see this,he would be even happier if i said i'll quit going totally,but i can't promise that now.Hun has been persuading me not to go for fillers,but i am really tempted to try a new look!Need to get a gift for mummy because Mothers' Day is nearing.I know the best gift for her is for me to get a job soon,best a 9-5job.But i doubt i'll be able to wake up in the morning,my body clock has been messed up,when you people are sleeping i'm awake,and when it's time for everyone to wake up,my head just hit the pillow.How to fix my fucked up timing back?Already become a habit,I was wondering whether i should go back to my brown hair or just stay red,kind of sick of this colour.I want to go to Taiwan again so badly,especially Ximending and Wufenpu.i haven't shopped enough yet,maybe i felt really restricted,cause my parents are there.I hate this feeling whereby there's a pair of eyes constantly looking out for me,thou i know my parents did it out of good intentions la.i shouldn't think so far ahead yet,that should be 2nd on my overseas trips list.Firstly would be Bkk,my boyfriend said he won't let me go alone with my friends so he'll be tagging along,he'll take up the job of being the tour guide as well,since it would be his third time there.i've been visiting www.taobao.com recently,recommended by my girl to shop for stuffs like dresses,bags and heels,so pretty and cheap.Before i get a job and earn some money,i don't think i'll be clubbing until then.Don't have the mood,at all.I'll be a stay-home-every-night girl for now.I'll still go out with my friends and cousins for movies,shopping and just chill.Stay-home-every-night not equals to no-life-at-all,must get this straight,although night life is obviously more thrilling. *shake the eyebrows
Please let me get a job i'm happy with,this is important ok.Because if i never get the job i desire=i won't stay in that line for long=i don't have a stable income=i have no money=i cannot buy the things i want=i will be very unhappy and upset=my face will be black=my mum and boyfriend will suffer= lead to quarrel= it will spoil my r/s&mood.See,the consequences is huge.Actually,not so bad la,quote that saying 'Choose a job you love,and you will never have to work a day in your life'.This is the reason why it's very important,so that you'll be willing to devote your time and effort into it.Tata

Needs and Want.

First on my list would be a new job cause having a job means more money.My first pay will be divided into two,for my mum and dad.Or you can say three cause part of it will be spent on my phone bill,which is quite high.The second one may be on fillers because i've been considering whether or not to go for it.Have been doing research on the internet,seen reviews,the risk,the right person and clinic to approach,plus the before and afters.The good thing is fillers actually only last for a year or so,best for a fickle minded person like me already.The results are instant and it only takes a few days to heal,not like rhinoplasty,6months to heal and the idea of going under the knife is not nice ah.If you really don't like the results after injecting fillers,you can inject something else to melt your fillers in just 5-10 minutes,but it's very rare for people to dislike the results because who in the right mind doesn't want a higher nose bridge and a pointer tip.Come to think of it,it's really not worth going for rhinoplasty,if it fails then how?i know it's damn common to go for rhinoplasty and all now,but what if you're one of the unlucky one.I doubt there'll be any money left if i spent it on fillers so i need to wait for my third pay,it would be on cosmetics,heels,outfits and of course part of it would go to my parents and phone bill,again.Really need to cut down on my phone bill,i can spend it on more practical stuffs la.
After i manage to do all of this,on my fourth pay,i'll start saving up for overseas trip with boyfriend,my girls and cousins.Have always wanted to bring my parents and little brother overseas too,all the expenses will be on me,for sure.But that'll have to wait a little longer,i can currently only provide for myself and only give them some.At least my parents wouldn't need to spent on me,i'm not schooling anymore,anyway.That can really lessen their expenses i guess.Besides my little brother's school fees,they also have to pay the phone,electricity bills,housing loans and so on.I hope i can take on the responsibility and help them with that later in life,it's my duty and i have to.Not forgetting that i've always wanted my own shop,the capital,the amount of rent needed every month in a good location,the suppliers etc.Just thinking about the amount of money i need for all of the above can give me a big headache.Opening a shop is such a huge investment,you have to worry about whether you'll earn or profit from it in the long run,whether the customer would be pleased with your service and the things you sell,i can go on and on. I wonder if i can achieve all that,but i'll try.Sometimes you'll really wish that your father is a billionaire,so money is not a problem at all.Money can't buy you happiness,but money can really solve a lot of problems,you can do things without thinking about whether or not you you'll make a loss,and there's no such thing as financial crisis.How nice would that be right?Back to reality,work hard and earn what you deserve,play harder with what you earned.

Take me anywhere else but here.

Indonesia,Bali

France,Paris

Korea,Seoul

Japan,Tokyo.

I need a break overseas and i really mean it.I don't look forward to the upcoming trip during the June holidays because it's with the whole family plus it's only Malacca,there's nothing over there.Would rather go overseas with my friends,cause i wouldn't be restricted to do this or that.If your parents are there you might experience this 'Don't wander too far off on your own,we are at a foreign land,you wouldn't know what would happened,what if you can't find your way back' and blah blah.Okai.I'm not saying i'm reluctant to go with my parents,and i know it's for my own good when they nag,but for this trip i want no restrictions or have someone nagging at me.I just want to let my hair down and enjoy myself.So many places i want to visit/visit again.I'm coming for you,wait for me. But first,i got to earn enough money.How nice would it be if going overseas was as easy as tapping your ez-link card to and fro.Singapore is just too boring,especially if you are a night cat like me,there are just a few clubs/pubs you could visit,if not there are only 24/7 mcdonalds,7-11,cheers and those wulu until cannot kopitiam -.- wotthefark.By right,s'pore should have more twentyfourseven places for us to chill,by left also.I'm being lame here,if you ever get it.

Thailand,Phuket

   

Taiwan,Taipei.

Just me and my pillow.

                                                       i think,i think too much,at night.
i tell myself,each and every night,stop over thinking,stop worrying,stop complaining,but it's still hard to sleep at night when there's so many thoughts going through your head.What,why,what ifs and how.The feeling where you stay up at night,ask yourself an infinite number of questions,and you sit there analyzing every meaningless action just to realise it don't mean anything to anyone else but you.The feeling where you wonder who truly cares and who's using you,who is there for you,and who's desperately waiting for you to fail.The feeling where you feel like you're not good enough and you need to to do this and this and this to be successful.The feeling where you get frustrated when you know it's impossible to be a hundred percent happy.The feeling where you question your value,your pride,yourself and everything,and you think.over think,all night.All you're left with is,you,yourself,and a very dark place.

If' it's not okay,it's not the end.

i'm a person who is fine one second and the next i'm depressing myself,until a point where i'm going through the entire day remembering everything bad thats ever happened to me.And it's hard,when people asked'why are you thinking so much'.i wish i knew,because if i do perhaps i could go to sleep with a peace of mind.i sometimes wish i could go back,to being the little me,no problems,no stress,going straight into deep slumber right after mummy's bedtime stories,hanging up the phone,thinking all about the cute and sweet conversations,and fall asleep happily when my head hits the pillow.where has all that gone to?i wish i knew how to make it all come back.
The worst part of it is,there's nothing wrong with my life,boyfriend's great,i'm not schooling so there's nothing wrong,family is okay,friends have been awesome too.So,what's wrong?i don't know.i don't know what i'm thinking.i know being an overthinker just makes the situation worse than it actually was,but sometimes you just can't help it,hopes there's someone out there that feels the same way i do.
Do you get that feeling that you don't want to talk to anyone anymore?You just want to be left alone for awhile,not to be lonely but to figure out what's going in your life.It's like you have to fight through some bad nights to earn the best days of your life.It's scary